Funny Greeting Card

Make your friends and family laugh with a handmade funny greeting card.

If you're having trouble choosing the perfect card for someone special, consider making your own funny greeting card.

Funny Greeting Card Quotes

There are a number of famous quotes you can use to create your own funny greeting cards. Whether you're making a card to commemorate your sister's pregnancy or your cousin's wedding, there's a quote that's guaranteed to make you laugh.


  • Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. -- Ed Asner
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. -- Franklin P. Jones
  • Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. -- Bill Cosby
  • Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. -- Ray Romano
  • People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them. -- Leo J. Burke
  • Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. -- Carol Burnett
  • Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. -- Joyce Armor


  • Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. -- Tom Wilson
  • You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -- Bob Hope
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. -- Larry Lorenzoni
  • Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too too late. -- Mike Tyson
  • A well-adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for. - Anonymous


  • To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States. - George W. Bush
  • It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days. -- Isabel Waxman
  • People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices. -- Bill Cosby
  • If you think education is expensive, try ignorance! -- Andy McIntyre
  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? -- Anonymous
  • You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom. -- Proverb


  • Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance. -- Source Unknown
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. -- Mark Twain
  • The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. -- Abe Lemons
  • When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. -- Chi Chi Rodriguez
  • There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. -- Robert Half

Weddings and Anniversaries

  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? -- George Carlin
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
  • If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. -- Johnny Carson
  • Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. -- Woody Allen
  • Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. -- Alan King
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Funny Greeting Card